After two and a half years, I’m down. I feel lonely. And I hate it.

I hate it because I’ve worked so hard in having a mind set of “I can be completely happy with me, myself and I”. But there’s this longing for human touch and that yearning makes me vulnerable and puts me in a dangerous spot. 

(Just went to a wedding and half the time I couldn’t stand being there. I really don’t believe in being with another person for the rest of your life. I can’t, you see. I won’t. I wished the bride and groom good luck, but inside I was wondering where they got the bravery to commit to one another for the rest of their life. And the whole ceremony, it was a catholic one, it sounded like a recital to the perfect house wife and the ideal working 9 to 5 husband. Apparently, it has something to do with my current state of mind-heart-soul).

I’ve come to the point where I am comfortable in my own skin and I know what I want, won’t settle for less, and hope not to commit the same mistakes. I’ve learned my lesson. 

Past two experiences were pretty shitty and came to the decission, because of them, to straighten out. BUT DAMN IT’S….. Don’t know… Don’t know why the fuck I’m even writing this, putting this here..But you see, it’s not the need of being with someone, I just can’t believe how no one is next to me. The lack of words, a glance, a touch, time, a kiss that blows your mind and gives you a rush of blood to the head, someone with whom I can sit down and say absolutely nothing at all. Just enjoy the fact that time is shared. 

The whole dilemma is: feeling lonely after all the soul searching and coming with terms with whom I am is not something desirable, and the worst part is not knowing how long this will continue, which puts me in the sad position of vulnerability, leaving me powerless to whatever comes along, that is not necessarily the best for me.

What do you know? This actually helped me out quite a bit.